Forest Fire

My birth truama is starting to numb

It feels like it should hurt but when I poke at it there is nothing

Like the little spot on my incision where the nerves never regrew

I feel like a little animal poking its head out from under a tree after a forest fire

Is the worst over? Or will it be back in a few days to destroy more

Its almost like a fear of waiting now

I’ve heard that truama rewires the brain

But so does healing




Car Crash

Everything goes wrong before its right

I think I always know before something terrible is about to happen

Like tensing up before a car crash

Everything is in slow motion

Its intuitive trauma

Maybe it doesn’t know

It would rather be safe than sorry

Having been hurt too many times to trust that the worst it over

It would rather prepare for the pain then not see it coming




Every Christmas after the buzz has calmed down

The children play with their toys

And the wrapping paper looks like confetti

I sit in the corner nook of a chair and read poetry

All the books I got in my stocking

But this year was different because I didn’t get any new poetry

Instead my name was on the book on the table

Its pretty cover proudly waiting for it to be opened

But it sat rather lonely

Until I picked it up and turned every page

And tried to pretend I wasn’t the one who authored every stage

Enjoying it as a reader and poetry lover

Just another book to add to my bookshelf of covers



My published Poetry Book

I self published my first poetry book on Amazon! There are over 100 poems and a dozen that I’ve also never posted. Along with some of my original art specially made to go with certain poems. So if you enjoy my poetry you can search “the essence of who I am poetry into amazon and it will be available in a kindle version and a paperback version. Thank you so much to all my followers and supporters. I hope you enjoy it!

To check it out you can either use the link below or on the top of the home page clink on the amazon button and it will also take you right to it. The pictures at the bottom are the front and back of the book.


It’s a beautiful morning
The baby is playing on the floor by the window
Watching the rain outside

I’m making breakfast in the kitchen
The sound of the spatula turning is the only echo

My newly placed plants brighten up the room
As they give oxygen willingly

A half decorated tree sits proudly waiting for its day to arrive

M.A.P ©️

Map Of Trauma

I woke up yesterday morning with trauma at my throat

I told my husband I couldn’t breathe but I dont think he heard me

Its hand gripped my neck too tightly

I woke up this morning and thought it was gone but its hiding in my stomach ready to escape at night and turn into insomnia

And maybe one day I’ll wake up tomorrow and it will be in my toes

Mostly gone and forgotten except in flashbacks like an old war drama

Because it never moves away, only around you

And that is the map of truama




Don’t worry little butterfly

You were beautiful before you got your wings too

You were beautiful before you could take to the sky

And even though now you take the breath away from a crowded room

Your unspoken beauty will always be the best part of you




I thought I loved the winter season

But like the dark no one is scared of it, just what is inside

And as the cold stars to creep under the door I found myself screaming for the warmth to come back

Dreading the holidays because I can’t wrap myself and hide under a tree

Maybe I loved the cold just because I was so used hiding in it

Or maybe its the opposite

The cold has always left me exposed and this year I dont want anyone to know my thoughts or words or any of it




No one knows that my favorite headphones don’t work that well anymore 

But I use them every time even though they are 10 years old

And I have two better pairs hanging next to them

I bought those headphone when I was 13 

Because my favorite youtuber had them

They looked like they came out of a 50’s recording studio 

And her voice was a powerhouse

I even tried to make my hair look like hers 

She was a singer and I wanted to be a singer

She was amazing, her talent was outstanding

I watched her go from little youtube videos

To winning 3rd place on the voice TV show

I voted for her in the Macy’s music contest 

The day she won and I literally jumped for joy

She made me so happy with how happy she always was 

Then she finally put out her own albums and I bought every one 

I thought it was funny how she was best friends

 With Selina Gomez and yet I just listened to her music 

I watched her make her music dreams into reality 

She gave me the courage to start singing in front of people 

And a few years later she gave me the courage to join a band class 

It’s where I met the love of my life

And because of her I sang my heart out next to him every weekend  

But one month after our first date I looked at my phone 

Practicing to perform on a small stage for our band

When I saw her name on the news

My heart stopped and I nearly dropped my phone

She was dead

Shot at her first tour meet and greet 

She was only 22

I’m 22

It couldn’t be true

I cried as if I had lost a dear friend 

And I had

She taught me everything 

She taught me how to do my hair the way she had in a video 

She taught me that singing always goes a long way 

She taught me to follow my dreams 

She taught me to talk about being a christian even if it was terrifying

She taught me to sing loud 

She taught me that music could save my life 

Even if it couldn’t save hers

It’s been 6 years and I’m crying just thinking about her

And the worst part of her dying that tragic death

Is that every time I listen to her voice it hurts so much 

I miss her

So instead I listen to others peoples music 

through her headphones



Christina Grimmie with her headphones

(I do not own this photo)