Original thoughts and poetry
My birth truama is starting to numb
It feels like it should hurt but when I poke at it there is nothing
Like the little spot on my incision where the nerves never regrew
I feel like a little animal poking its head out from under a tree after a forest fire
Is the worst over? Or will it be back in a few days to destroy more
Its almost like a fear of waiting now
Wondering
I’ve heard that truama rewires the brain
But so does healing
M.AP
©️
Everything goes wrong before its right
I think I always know before something terrible is about to happen
Like tensing up before a car crash
Everything is in slow motion
Its intuitive trauma
Maybe it doesn’t know
It would rather be safe than sorry
Having been hurt too many times to trust that the worst it over
It would rather prepare for the pain then not see it coming
M.A.P
©
Its the heart on the coffee
The things that mean nothing
That the world misses seeing
Because they weren’t for her
They were meant for only me
M.A.P
©
Every Christmas after the buzz has calmed down
The children play with their toys
And the wrapping paper looks like confetti
I sit in the corner nook of a chair and read poetry
All the books I got in my stocking
But this year was different because I didn’t get any new poetry
Instead my name was on the book on the table
Its pretty cover proudly waiting for it to be opened
But it sat rather lonely
Until I picked it up and turned every page
And tried to pretend I wasn’t the one who authored every stage
Enjoying it as a reader and poetry lover
Just another book to add to my bookshelf of covers
M.A.P
©
I self published my first poetry book on Amazon! There are over 100 poems and a dozen that I’ve also never posted. Along with some of my original art specially made to go with certain poems. So if you enjoy my poetry you can search “the essence of who I am poetry into amazon and it will be available in a kindle version and a paperback version. Thank you so much to all my followers and supporters. I hope you enjoy it!
To check it out you can either use the link below or on the top of the home page clink on the amazon button and it will also take you right to it. The pictures at the bottom are the front and back of the book.
It’s a beautiful morning
The baby is playing on the floor by the window
Watching the rain outside
I’m making breakfast in the kitchen
The sound of the spatula turning is the only echo
My newly placed plants brighten up the room
As they give oxygen willingly
A half decorated tree sits proudly waiting for its day to arrive
M.A.P ©️
I woke up yesterday morning with trauma at my throat
I told my husband I couldn’t breathe but I dont think he heard me
Its hand gripped my neck too tightly
I woke up this morning and thought it was gone but its hiding in my stomach ready to escape at night and turn into insomnia
And maybe one day I’ll wake up tomorrow and it will be in my toes
Mostly gone and forgotten except in flashbacks like an old war drama
Because it never moves away, only around you
And that is the map of truama
M.A.P
©️
Don’t worry little butterfly
You were beautiful before you got your wings too
You were beautiful before you could take to the sky
And even though now you take the breath away from a crowded room
Your unspoken beauty will always be the best part of you
M.A.P
©️
I thought I loved the winter season
But like the dark no one is scared of it, just what is inside
And as the cold stars to creep under the door I found myself screaming for the warmth to come back
Dreading the holidays because I can’t wrap myself and hide under a tree
Maybe I loved the cold just because I was so used hiding in it
Or maybe its the opposite
The cold has always left me exposed and this year I dont want anyone to know my thoughts or words or any of it
M.A.P
©️
No one knows that my favorite headphones don’t work that well anymore
But I use them every time even though they are 10 years old
And I have two better pairs hanging next to them
I bought those headphone when I was 13
Because my favorite youtuber had them
They looked like they came out of a 50’s recording studio
And her voice was a powerhouse
I even tried to make my hair look like hers
She was a singer and I wanted to be a singer
She was amazing, her talent was outstanding
I watched her go from little youtube videos
To winning 3rd place on the voice TV show
I voted for her in the Macy’s music contest
The day she won and I literally jumped for joy
She made me so happy with how happy she always was
Then she finally put out her own albums and I bought every one
I thought it was funny how she was best friends
With Selina Gomez and yet I just listened to her music
I watched her make her music dreams into reality
She gave me the courage to start singing in front of people
And a few years later she gave me the courage to join a band class
It’s where I met the love of my life
And because of her I sang my heart out next to him every weekend
But one month after our first date I looked at my phone
Practicing to perform on a small stage for our band
When I saw her name on the news
My heart stopped and I nearly dropped my phone
She was dead
Shot at her first tour meet and greet
She was only 22
I’m 22
It couldn’t be true
I cried as if I had lost a dear friend
And I had
She taught me everything
She taught me how to do my hair the way she had in a video
She taught me that singing always goes a long way
She taught me to follow my dreams
She taught me to talk about being a christian even if it was terrifying
She taught me to sing loud
She taught me that music could save my life
Even if it couldn’t save hers
It’s been 6 years and I’m crying just thinking about her
And the worst part of her dying that tragic death
Is that every time I listen to her voice it hurts so much
I miss her
So instead I listen to others peoples music
through her headphones
M.A.P
©
(I do not own this photo)
The Essence Of Who I Am 