Ugly Glory

If I were an artist I think I would create forever

The beautiful sunshine and rainbows in various scenarios

The power to recreate the beautiful world effortlessly

But i’m a poet

I choke on the words as they come to me

Edit and reedit until my fingers bleed

Its not a choice but after a victory

Its like a blood covered wound that keeps filling

Its the power of showing

Reminding you whats already here in all its ugly glory





My anger comes tumbling out like the wet clothes in an open door dryer

I hate poetry but i’m not allowed to say that

Because that’s likes saying I hate oxygen

I wouldn’t be alive without it even though it really is killing me slowly

I’m just mad and instead of throwing plates on the floor words smash into me

I get cut on the glass and the words bleed right out of me

It haunts me

Poetry is a terrible ghost keeping me up with his reminders

Like your trauma is still traumatizing

You are so tired but it doesn’t matter

You stay up all night and still don’t feel empty

So you choke down thawed ice cream

The crack of dawn is blinding

I want to sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep and be woken up like sleeping beauty

Treated like a princesses routinely

God knows I deserve it but he moves mysteriously

I’m supposed to be reading and the baby is sleeping

And instead of resting and laughing

I’m writing and dying and breathing

I’m tired of breathing so freely that release of fresh air feels so daunting

I’m trying my best but that doesn’t seem to be working

Googling what to do when your brain is self sabotaging

You would think I would have run out of words but they just keep coming

Like continuous vomiting

My teeth are clenching

Please stop

I want my sadness to stop spilling



24 hours

24 hours can change your life

Im sitting in the chiropractors office and i see a pregnant women walk out the door seemingly happy

That was me

I was so optimistic

So ready and proud and free

I did everything right and cared more then anyone that things would go smoothly

Now im filled with dread

ive been ruined

i cant run from it because my husband wants a family

I do to, i want that love back, i want to be free

I want to be like Bethany Hamilton who now swims with sharks after her attack

how to you lose the fear of living

How can i be so distorted i dont know who i am anymore

i have to skip certain parts in movies

Its horrid how 24 hours can change a life

Or one or two or three




You always shower with your clothes on when you are depressed

Hoping their heaviness will pull you down until you completely disappear

I find you broken into pieces disintegrating into the water

I pull you out like hair clogging the drain

Undress you to lighten your weight

and hold you back together

And take as much as of the pain that i can carry

Throwing it down the drain



Things that make me feel alive

My childhood home with the backyard swing in the breeze and the sun setting after a warm evening dinner

Outside at night talking to the stars throwing a kiss to the moon rambling about my day

My husband holding me in a hotel bed alone with the white cool sheets and nothing but the warmth of our skin

Listening to a record with the open window and the sun shining on us dancing to the music

Writing in the middle of the night my hand covered in ink eyes swollen and tired but my mind so alive and vigor




People forget that romeo and Juliet were children

They called them foolish and naive

And they were

They were children

But i remember my first love

And i think if i was given the chance i might have died for him

He was everything in that moment to me

His eyes held everything i ever needed

There was a magic at that age of 13 that you thought other people had

Until you grew up

Why would anyone die for anyone these days

I think the world has lost part of its childlike beauty

Maybe being naive is ok

Romeo and Juliet had more love for one another then many people have in a lifetime today




I want one of those crocheted fabric fruit bags

That you throw on the counter and fruit topples out of

I want my tea to burn my tongue and its bitterness and charm to consume me

I want poetry to drip from my fingers and toes

I want to remember what its like hearing my sons laugh

He is so beautiful

My typewriter ink leaves art on the pages

The noise of the keys forever implanted on my brain




We haven’t kissed in a few days

But our love is stronger in many other ways

The way you make sure I am always eating

Because eating seems useless when someone is dying

You hold me so tight that I can’t breath like my baby in the bed beside me

We lost everything

But some how I feel ok

And I know you pray for me

We haven’t kissed in days but I feel so much closer to you when you whisper my name