Color on me

Word count: 41,416
Pages: 91

It all started with two songs. Really cheesy in fact, I mashed the two song names together and proudly typed them on my computer. Color on me. Little did i know that those three words would give me my first completed draft of one of my books. I have to say this book is not my best work but it’s finished and that’s more than i can say for anything else. More than anything it was a huge learning experience. Its characters move the story along and I fell in love with the two of them.  And i could not believe the feeling of looking at the words “the end” and typing the last word. 

I dedicate this book to River Pauls. My ocean of thoughts and verses, Who inspires me to keep breathing.

Why are humans so obsessed with the idea of time? All they are doing is counting down to their own death minute by minute…

She just wanted to stay. She just wanted to go higher and higher. She never wanted to be a hero. She never wanted to save you. She just wanted someone to save her. And in the end she only had herself.

He just wanted to run. He wanted the same thing. He wanted routine. He just wanted to save somebody. He just didn’t want someone to save him. And in the end all he was, was saved.

He was a lost boy and she was a broken girl. This is a true story because if it wasn’t, i wouldn’t be here. I have turned my life into a story.  I just wish he knew his power before it was too late, and i hadn’t found mine way too early. Because my fire could have saved him and his strength would not have killed me. Both losing against the world and its time.



I almost loved the dark too much. It cloaked me from all my fears and the black seemed to at least hold peace through the night. Those cold hours were the only time i felt like i could breathe. Sometimes i wonder if i was meant to be a star, a ball of fire to watch the world spin and move. But I was just a 16 year old girl on the earth watching the stars watch me. And people would say i was a ball of fire but it had no meaning. It was not fair. Nothing in this world ever was.  I brought my eyes back down from the dark sky to find a kink in my neck. As I smoothed it out I notice a small patch of roof missing. I slowly moved to the left and brushed it with my foot and was surprised I did not notice it before.

I sat there in more silence until my eyes started to get heavy and I climbed back through my little window. I did not wake my older sister as I bumped into the nightstand which held the clock that proclaimed the proud numbers of 2:48 am. But even as I lay in bed, my eyes would not close. I watched the ceiling, like every night, and time crawled. The red light blinking of the clock was in sync with my heart. No matter how hard I tried I could not detach that clock from my life, from my beating heart, from my soul that had only a small amount of time on this planet. And as i lay there i decided maybe i felt bad for the stars..because they just had to shine there in the dark, trying to light the world. Watching and knowing the end is coming and we all are running out of time.

Something always woke me before my alarm clock had a chance to ring. Yet i set it every night anyway. This time it was a better sound that woke me than most mornings, just my sisters speakers blasting a song i probably should have know by now. I swear she would die without music. I on the other hand liked the peace and quiet so i could think.  I waited until the sound of the door slamming signalling  my dad had left for work. So far so good i thought to myself. I pretty much fell out of bed. Throwing on some sweats and a baggy shirt i left the room and heard my sister yell over her music to close the door behind me. “All the way”, she yelled 3 seconds later. I know, i know, i thought sighing. She would be turning 18 in a couple weeks and I could not wait to have the room all to myself.

 Down the stairs i found my mom behind the sink. Sensing my presence she turned and asked where my sister was. “Upstairs”. My motto with my parents was the less words i speak, the less consequences i will have. It worked until i tried shutting my sister up with “don’t talk to me”. I don’t know. Words never were my strong hold. I’d much rather write than talk. I can’t burn up words that are spoken. Most of the time i wish i could..


       I blamed my clumsiness for it this time. I mean it was easy. The cuts came from the cat. The smell of smoke came from my open window. The bottles were storage containers. I think i said them enough i have started to believe them myself.I hated it.. But i loved it. The pain turned to pleasure and after i had finished i was ready again. My mother told me i was just digging my own grave. And at my death i probably shall. I don’t have a soul who will. Because when my so called friends laugh at me they don’t know that it might be the last time i hear a sound from another human being. How can my heart still beat. Even my own heart lies. I am not alive. This is not living. It’s maybe breathing. Maybe surviving. But it’s not living. And this world doesn’t seem to care. It’s ok. I probably already scared you all away. I’m used to it. I’m used to lying to myself, used to it being this way. Guess What tomorrow will be? It’s my anniversary. The third year of being in this state of mind. Of hell so to speak. I’m supposed to be simple. My smile tells people how happy i am. And i am a quiet person. But i use a smile to say a thousand words, even if every one of them is a lie..

“Hey!”, I jumped as my brother popped up behind me tearing me from my deep thoughts.

“Move over i want to sit there”, he whined.

Of course you do, i thought, just because i am here. “Go away”, i grumbled. I hadn’t moved for hours. I almost thought he listened because he wandered away and out of the corner of my eye saw him pick up a fallen pillow. Good he’s gone. Until a second later it hit my face and his laughter was not at all hidden. “Colten stop it”, i huffed a little louder this time.

“No”, he said proudly. I glanced over at the other tv with the couch. “Go sit with mom”, i said. “No”, colten bounced on top of me.

My handheld game fell out of my hand onto the ground with a thump. “Colton!!”, My voice raised to an even louder level, “Get away from me”.

I pushed him off the chair roughly and heard him hit the ground hard. But as i reached down for my game i heard a shallow voice from a few feet away.

“Grey will you shut up”.

It was not my brother this time but my mother. “I’m trying to listen to this she continued absentmindedly”. And colton you shut up too.

I glanced over at him and saw that he was now crying.

I just rolled my eyes, and got up to go to my room. As i was almost out of earshot i heard a sound i had not heard in a very long time. A laugh. Small but it still qualified. I looked back shocked because it did not come from colton. And when i reached her face i saw still a hint of a smile on her lips, face glued to the screen.